PRO: my favorite cheap garbage clothing store for cheap garbage people, rainbow, is now online
CON: everything is horrible. i feel like the designers and buyers had a meeting that went something like this:
dave: what do the chunky gals like these days?
brian: BIG CATS, OBVIOUSLY.
dave: big cats, big cats. sensual jaguars. a tiger. yes. i’m picking up what you’re putting down. what else?
brian: hm…”TRIBAL” PRINT, ALSO OBVIOUSLY.
dave: /slaps the table let’s put a war bonnet on a giant lion’s face
brian: you are READING MY MIND, DAVID. camouflage? pleather? fake denim? sheer? cap sleeves with enormous armpit holes? PALAZZO PANTS THAT WE SOMEHOW MAKE AS UNCOMFORTABLE-LOOKING AS POSSIBLE?
dave: /slaps brian YOU CAN’T MAKE PALAZZO PANTS UNCOMFORTABLE IT’S A PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY
brian: [softly] we’ve been working on some machines, david.
if you’ve never had the particular joy of shopping for plus-size clothing, i promise you, this is how they figure out what they’re going to do. “oh, shitty trends for smaller sizes? let’s use all of those, thin out the fabric, awkwardize the sleeves somehow, and add a mountain lion barfing up rhinestones onto the shoulder.”
A GUIDE TO FASHION 4 U
1. obviously, when you’re a looking for cute plus size clothes, a cropped-tank-top-and-pencil-skirt combo with a photograph of a bored skinny girl judging you amidst a field of lensflared cheetah print with NOTHING LASTS FOREVER SO LIVE NOW layered over it is gonna fulfill all your sartorial needs.
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
so live now
2. a masterpiece of finely draped and cut fabric. giant armpit pouches so you can keep your personal items (a gun, a brisket, a gun hidden in a brisket, soccer balls, etc.) close to your body. high hem in the front, slightly less high hem in the back. two suspicious jaguars staring out from your tittys. perfection.
3. “mesh and leather-look bolero jacket” YEAH OKAY. this thing looks like it should be waterproof, but it’s not. it’s made of mesh and leather-look. i know you wanted to wear it to that weirdo fuck club where people are into looking at 100 thin strips of flesh and nothing else, but it WILL NOT protect you from flying juices. they WILL touch your skin and you WILL get a wart.
4. haha, a cardigan with spiked shoulder epaulets? “oh, i want to be comfortable and semi-warm, but i want to have the option to shoulder-check people straight into the hospital with some internal hemorrhaging!” what kind of lazy fucking warlord is this being marketed to?
holy shit. wait. i want this.
it’s me. i’m the lazy fucking warlord.
5. this sweater has bicep armholes so you don’t have to stop looking fly just because you’re getting a tetanus shot from when i attacked you with my slaughter cardigan. be safe out there kiddos.
6. finally, the look of cowboy leathers and skintight swamp camo IN ONE ITEM OF “CLOTHING”! never be out of place, whether you’re home on the range or out for a night on the bog.
7. shiny fake leather crotchal region, lace bands on legs with crosses studded into them. i know what you’re thinking: perfect for church. pero no, these are too hardcore for church—buy these for your next demonic possession.
TURN THAT EXORCISM INTO A SEXORCISM.
8. “tribal” print. now you can not only be blatantly racist, but LITERALLY GLARINGLY SO. plus, you can spill all the sunny d, grenadine, lemonade, burning embers, and dead clown fluids on these that you need to! do you understand me? STAB A FUCKING CLOWN TO DEATH IN THESE PANTS.
9. if i wear this shirt to new york city, precisely how many people do you think are gonna spit in my hair? just so’s i know.